How to Deliver a Presentation When You Feel Like Death

Me after being transformed by Ellie

Another transformation photo

A couple of months ago I was invited to present at a 2 day event here in Austin on January 25 - 26, 2014 hosted by an organization call Bossed Up.   Bossed Up was founded by Emilie Aries about a year ago and is based in Washington DC.  It's mission is to empower women to develop happy, healthy, and sustainable careers for life.  

I love Bossed Up's mission and I adore Emilie who is a 2009 graduate of Brown University; she is a fearless woman with a great idea and I got very excited about her vision for Bossed Up. Emilie's goal is to host 12 Bossed Up events in 12 cities in 2014. What's not to love?  I tell this part of the story because after accepting the invitation to speak there was NO WAY I was going to miss it.  Supporting a high performing female entrepreneur? Yes please. Empowering women? Absolutely.  Bottom line, I had to be there today, January 25, to present an hour on negotiation skills.

A few days ago I got sick.  I mean really sick.  Like coughing all night, sneezing through 2 boxes of Kleenex, losing my sense of taste, not eating, and literally lying in bed staring at the wall because that was all I felt like doing.  I never get that sick.  Could be cedar fever or the flu or a cold. My husband told me that if I wasn't better today that he was taking me to the Urgent Care Health Clinic whether I wanted to go or not.  (that means it was bad)

Yesterday I coughed so hard that I burst blood vessels around my right eye and, if you looked closely, it looked like I had a black eye.  That was the icing on the cake.  My lucky husband got to hang out with a sneezing, coughing wife, with an ice pack on her eye.  I looked so hot.  (uh, not really)  

No matter how sick I was I knew missing the presentation was not an option.  I figured that if I could just show up maybe someone could pitch in and help me present in an emergency.  I have hosted events before and when a speaker is a no-show it really messes things up.  If a speaker shows up and is sick people tend to forgive a bit simply because he/she made the effort to be there.  I would rather be there and be sick than not be there and feel guilty.  Plus I have never been so sick that I couldn't rally for an hour.  One time, years ago, I gave a fantastic speech at 8 am after staying out until 5 am. (I worked for a crazy work hard/play hard company.  I don't remember the speech but I was told that it was great.)

Because I knew that the event was being videotaped I decided to hire a professional hair and makeup artist to make me look my best.  If you have never had your hair and makeup professionally done then all I can say is you have no idea how great you can look.  Seriously.  I had hired Ellie Vixie (greatest makeup artist of all time) before I got sick so she was already scheduled and thank goodness.

So Ellie showed up this morning and worked magic.  I mean actual magic.  I don't know if there was human sacrifice involved or if it was good magic but I didn't care. I was transformed from a beast to a beauty.  Several friends had asked to see "before" and "after" photos so enjoy.  There is a reason I put the "after" photos at the top of the blog and not the "before". I recommend that you not allow your children to view the "before" photos because they might be emotionally scarred or start using drugs. Also adults should have at least 2 drinks before viewing.  You have been warned.

PS: Can I just say I have the best husband ever? He literally drove me down to my presentation and sat through it and drove me home because he knew I still am not feeling well today and he wanted to be supportive.  I am one lucky (yet inappropriate) lady.

No I am not stoned. But I did get my thumb in this selfie. 

Is this a mug shot or did I just wash my hair? You decide.

Peanut Butter

Today my brother, who is, like me, always on the alert for weird inappropriate behavior sent me a text that really needs no further explanation.   Inappropriateness happens everywhere.

This Game is Getting Annoying

Flynn hunting the laser light while Kodiak attempts to sleep

Last week I wrote about how my dog Flynn is obsessed with a laser toy that is intended for cats, the FroliCat.   Flynn's addiction seems to be getting worse and it's also starting to get a little bit annoying. 

To See Previous Post Click Here or Scroll Down

When we first set the toy up for him we put it on a table in our front living room which has hardwood floors.  After endless playing it was clear that if things kept going the way they were headed he was going to destroy the floor and the walls with his toenails.  So we moved the toy into our family room which is much smaller but has carpet.  

We have been putting the toy on the coffee table and he runs around the carpet chasing it which makes him very happy.  However a couple of problems have emerged:

1. Our old, sick, and frail dog Kodiak spends most of the day lying in the family room.  The laser sometimes hits him which doesn't bother him but it means that Flynn jumps over him constantly. When Kodiak is awake he barks at Flynn and his laser and tries to move away but he really can't go very far. At least Flynn has the good sense not to jump directly on Kodiak to "get" the laser.

2. Flynn has figured out all of our hiding places for the toy so when we put it in a cabinet he will sit outside the cabinet and whine incessantly.  Even if we distract him with a walk or some other activity he comes right back to the hiding place.

3. Flynn comes to find me anytime the toy's automatic timer shuts it off so I can turn it back on for him. He is very insistent that I come RIGHT NOW to turn it back on.  Doesn't matter if I am eating, in the bath, or otherwise indisposed he wants it on RIGHT NOW.

4. Sometimes the laser's radius extends to a place Flynn can't see. When that is the case he comes to find me to fix it for him. Again, he is very insistent that this be done RIGHT NOW.

Part of me loves the fact that the laser toy keeps him occupied (and not barking at anything) but the fact that we can no longer effectively hide it from him or distract him from the toy is becoming an irritant.  Not really sure what to do. I feel like the parent of an actual child who has become addicted to iPad games...well I assume this is what a parent would feel like.  Annoyance mixed with some guilt and some shame that he is being kept occupied and out of trouble so I can do what I want.  If only he could push the button to turn it on by himself....

Tiaras for Everyone!!!

Carrie and Me - Royal Caribbean 2013

Last summer Jonathan and I went on a cruise with my cousin Carrie and her family.  Carrie and I have always been pretty close as we are a year apart in age but over the past year we have become much closer for a variety of reasons.  Taking the cruise together brought us even closer and I would say she is one of my dearest friends in addition to being my relative.  

Carrie and I are very similar in some really fundamental ways: our values and our devotion to family. But we have one HUGE difference: Carrie is fearless while I have many fears (mostly for my personal safety).  For example, when we went to Disney World she wanted to ride every single roller coaster and scary ride in the park.  By the time we were done she was laughing and exhilarated while I was stumbling (those roller coasters mess up my inner ear) for the bar.

On the cruise I went and hid in the library to avoid zip lining (terrifying to me, a walk in the park to Carrie).  Can I just say that, to me, zip lining is just getting a giant wedgie while 200 feet in the air. I don't see the appeal. Carrie told me that I should burn all my books (I brought 5 on the cruise) and do more activities.  You get the picture.

But for all her fearlessness when it comes to physical activity it took Carrie awhile to get on board the Tiara bandwagon.  I gave Carrie a tiara and we both brought our tiaras on the cruise.  I wore mine to dinner every night and at first Carrie was kind of embarrassed for me.  One night I overheard her say, "Oh she is my cousin she just wears tiaras sometimes"....so I turned around to the woman she was addressing and corrected her, "No, I wear my tiara because I am an Empress".  I'd like to tell you that the woman bowed to me but she didn't.  But I didn't care...I love wearing my tiara and if others find that odd, well, too bad.

By the time the cruise was over Carrie wore her tiara with pride every day.  When people saw us they would say, "Oh there are the tiara twins!" and the waitstaff called us "The Empresses" and some would even bow to us.  I love that everyone on the cruise got in on the fun.

Now Carrie and her whole family each have their own tiaras and they agreed to let me post photos of the whole family wearing their tiaras.  I love it!!!  

Oh as a side note let me add that we are taking another cruise next year and Carrie talked me into going snorkeling with her.  In Alaska. In 60 degree water.  I am trying to figure a way to weasel out of that because I am afraid I will die of hypothermia.  The problem is that if I talk my way out of the snorkeling she will come up with some other terrifying excursion to take its place....something like hunting polar bears across a glacier or riding a dog sled.  Stay tuned for more on that late this year...

Carrie, Brady, Cade and Ryan with their two Yorkies, also wearing tiaras.

The Puppy and the Cat Toy: A Tale of Mayhem, Madness, and Addiction

FroliCat Pet Toy (warning: highly addictive for some pets)

A few years ago I bought the FroliCat BOLT Interactive Laser Pet Toy, that I can only describe as "the coolest toy ever" as a way to entertain our cat.  The cat enjoyed it for a few days and then, in typical cat fashion, lost interest.  The toy (pictured above) is a battery operated laser pointer that is placed on table and randomly moves the laser all around...from floor to the wall.

Fast forward a few years when I replaced the dead batteries in the long-ignored toy to see if our cat would get interested in playing again.  The cat has gotten pretty fat so I was thinking it could be good exercise for him.  Of course, there is a reason he is fat, and it's because he has no interest in physical activity.  However, when I placed the toy on a table and turned it on a very unexpected thing happened....our year and a half old puppy, Flynn, started chasing the laser light around.  

Flynn 

At first it was pretty funny to watch.  OK, let me be honest, it's still freaking hilarious to watch him run around and chase the light.  He throws himself into this game with reckless abandon.  He runs into walls, tries to climb the walls, slips and slides on the floor, and, when the timer stops the toy, he puts his paws on the table and tries to push it to turn it back on.  So it's continuous entertainment for us.

But we are starting to feel bad about this game because watching  Flynn's obsession with this toy is like watching an addict dig in the garbage for partially filled booze bottles.  He will literally play this game until he seems to be on the verge of collapse.  We have started hiding the toy in cabinets because he knows what it looks like and if he can see it he will just start running around in circles looking for the light.  I've seen him play this game for more than an hour at a time.  Usually when he seems to be getting really exhausted we take the toy and hide it from him just so he will get some rest.

Earlier today we let him play with toy and, as I write this, he is lying on the floor next to the table where the toy is sitting.  Poor thing is just waiting for someone to come turn it back on.  

For your consideration and amusement, see our video of Flynn playing with the laser today:

We Are All Wonder Women!

New Years Resolution Update

A quick update on my New Year's resolutions.  I did my first of fifty-two of my #1 resolution today: 

Resolution #1. Call at least one friend every week this year to tell him/her how wonderful he/she is.

I chose (sort of at random) a girl with whom I went to high school.  I guess I should refer to her as a woman now, huh?  To me everyone I grew up with will always be a "guy" or "girl" not grown ups.  In any case, the girl I chose, we will call her "D", is one of many people with whom I lost touch after graduation in 1985 and have become reacquainted via Facebook.

D is married and has 3 kids and, from all I have observed on Facebook, she is devoted to her family and is loving and wonderful mom of kids who are seemingly polite, well dressed, popular, and are active in school.  I think that is a huge accomplishment in today's crazy world.  A few years ago I believe D had a bunch of serious health problems but it didn't dampen her spirit over the long run. Again, a big accomplishment.  Her Facebook posts are always happy, positive, and/or funny. She is certainly not one of those people who posts angry political or religious rants which is one thing I like about her.

Anyway, for reasons I can't really put a finger on I chose D as my very first "tell someone who wonderful she is" recipient.  I don't have her phone number so I couldn't call her and I don't have a mailing address so I couldn't send a card. Instead I just posted a few line on Facebook to say that she is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother.

D's response was so amazing. Turns out she had been having a bad day and my words cheered her up! And a bunch of our mutual friends chimed in to agree with my comments.  That made my day! It almost made me want to accelerate my plan and tell a few other friends how great they are. But I think I need to pace myself so I held back.

The key to this particular resolution is sincerity. These are my informal guidelines for myself:

1. I won't shower compliments on anyone whom I don't actually think is wonderful in some way. 
2. I won't overstep the boundaries of our relationship...in other words, I won't get too personal with someone I don't know well.  I know it's the Year of Inappropriate but this particular resolution will be as appropriate as I can make it. I don't want to be creepy after all.
3. I will focus my comments/compliments on things I have direct knowledge of based on my personal interactions with or observations of the person I am complimenting.

And that's it. 1/52 of my 2014 New Year's Resolutions successfully completed. 

Inappropriately Cold

The whole country is in a deep freeze and, as far as I can tell, most folks are staying home...some not by choice.  The colder it gets the more inappropriately I tend to dress.  I can't help it.  I just put on as many layers as I want to without regard for whether the clothes match. Part of the reason for this is that I live in Texas and don't really have a lot of cold weather clothing. 

My outfit today:

Long sleeved white T-shirt worn under an orange and blue Eskimo Joe's sweatshirt circa 1994

Tan leggings worn under pink and blue argyle flannel pajama bottoms

Bright purple fuzzy acrylic socks.

Lime green ponytail holder

Tiara (duh)

Big fancy costume jewelry ring with gold tone metal and tons of big green stones.

Earlier today I had to leave the house to pick up my husband at the auto shop....and I wore this very outfit out in public.  To be fair I knew I wouldn't get out of the car but it was still pretty inappropriate and I don't care. Anything to stay warm.

Oh, and when I drove I put on my pink suede fleece lined Ugg slip on shoes/slippers.

No, I will not post a photo of myself wearing this gorgeous outfit. Isn't it enough for you people that I posted a photo of myself wearing my Wonder Woman fleece onesie?  

New Year's Day

I am so tired today that I can't really come up with a good post. But I will tell you a brief inappropriate story from a New Years Eve party I attended last night.  There is one woman who is a friend of friends of mine and when she gets drunk she goes from "inappropriate" to "oh my god did she do that??" in 2 seconds flat.

Last night after several (a shitload) of cocktails she came up and just grabbed my boobs.  I told her to stop and she claimed that she had only grabbed one - so she grabbed the other one for good measure.  It was about 12:30 am and at that point I knew my grandmother was right when she said, "nothing good happens after midnight" and I went home with my husband immediately.  

Boob grabbing = bad inappropriate