Pranking Lana

Today is a slow day at the office so, naturally, the only thing to do to liven things up is to play pranks on my awesome assistant Lana.  One of the things Lana does for me is screen potential clients who contact me about my resume writing/coaching services.   There are 3 ways someone can contact us: phone, email, or via the contact form on our website.  We do get some weird emails/contact forms so I figured I would make things interesting for Lana today. And, of course, I got help from my friends who are just as demented as I am.

#1 

My name is Amy and I needs help with my resume. I been workin as a fluffer in the adult film indusry for 15 years and I am tired of lookin at balls all day. i want a career with a company where I can move up the corporate ladder and get some benefits. I used to work as a waitress and then I got this job as a fluffer and I got my associates degree in botany while workin this job. I want a job as a botanist. Can Ultime Resume help me?

Amy W. (I included my friend Amy's phone number. I hope Lana calls her)

Lana's email to me: 

"Liz, which of your weirdo friends sent me this? I almost peed myself laughing"

My response:

"I know nothing about this. You should call her"

Lana has not responded.

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#2  (My friend Matt is actually the co-owner of a flooring company)

Name: Matt N.
Phone: 512-XXX-XXXX
Email: m.neighbors@ymail.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:
    
I need a resume to apply for a CEO job at a flooring company. Can you call me and tell me about your services?

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#3 (My husband created this work of art)

Name: John "Doe" Smith

Phone: 512-BAD-ASS1 (223-2771)

Email: JohnDSmith@nowhere.com

Area of interest: Resume Services

Comments:

    

I cannot reveal my profession, where I have performed it, or with whom. I work for an "organization" that does "stuff" "somewhere" and sometimes does it "elsewhere". Let's just say that I am a Badass Motherf*cker™. I need to capture that on paper.... without actually capturing anything on paper. I'm thinking that lots of bolded italics along with a few aggressive redactions will suggest Badassedness without giving away any specifics. Perhaps printed on the kind of paper that delivers lots of paper cuts. You guys are the experts. Help me, or something nasty will happen to you. Not really, but yes.

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#4 (Me again - call this number!)

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 13:51
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.203.156.47]

Submitted values are:

Name: Jenna
Phone: 202-263-4869
Email: Jenna@queenbee.com
Area of interest: Interview Coaching
Comments:

I need help to get ready for some interviews for a beekeeping job that i really want. I went to beekeeping school and got my degree in december and now I really want to apply for a job at one of these places: Beekeeping Jobs I really  love bees and would be great at beekeeping but I am not so good at interviewing because I was born with only 1/2 of a tongue so I don't talk so good. Could really use help. I read your recommendations on LinkedIn and want your help.

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#5 Stephanie

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 14:00
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.82.82.171]

Submitted values are:

Name: Bunny Boatman
Phone: 512-335-8463
Email: bunnyboat@outlook.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:

Hi!

I'm Bunny!  Not a bunny - but my name is Bunny, Bunny Boatman.  If you want to get technical  - it's Bunny Barbra Boatman-Brown.  I don't use my married name, because there's a movie called Brown Bunny with a pretty substantial blowjob scene and I'm trying to steer clear of that image.

As you can imagine, having the name Bunny (thanks, mom) has been somewhat of an obstacle in my career.  People here the name Bunny and think - she must be a brain scientist, chemistry set tester or other.  I'm actually a part-time hand model, with aspirations to do foot, hair and ear modeling.  I do other work too, besides modeling.  I write, do finger paints and have a PhD. in Applied Nanophysics.  I work on teeny-tiny-itty-witty energy particles.  I'll probably discover the next, newest form of energy any day now.  I know that would probably be helpful to mankind, but hand modeling just pays so much money and these hands (feet, ears and hair) aren't going to stay wrinkle and liver-spot free forever.

Anyways - I'm thinking I'll probably need two resumes - one for modeling (more like a hand shot, with a CV on the back of all my work) and one for nanotechnology.  What do you think?  What is the best way to structure my

resume?

I really prefer email communication, the typing is good for my hand muscles (keeps the fingers toned).  I really look forward to hearing from you.

Sweet Peace Be With You,

BB

P.S.  - Just some general website feedback, I think you should be able to select multiple areas of interest.  I'm interested in Resume Services, but also Editorial Support and also Color Consulting - do you provide color consulting?  Anyways, I think you should be able to select more than one thing.  Sometimes people like more than one thing, like me - I like lots more than just one thing.

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#6 Mexican Porn Star

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 19:49
Submitted by anonymous user: [107.220.140.35]

Submitted values are:

Name: Raul "the Mexican meat" Penicheese
Phone: +1 678 459 34567989462 (don't has phone)
Email: Meximeat@tittypeepee.edu
Area of interest: Professional Consulting


Comments:

I live in Mexico but want move to unified state.  I has big penis.  I make the movie with the girls who I has my penis in.  Big star in mine country. Name is The Mexican Meat in phonographs movies.  I has theme song.  It call La cock-will-rock-ya but sound like la cucaracha but more nasty.  Bunny boatman give me your name when we make movie together.  Always talk about nana's technology.  Always say "not in hair".  Need help getting to unifiedstate.  Need help conjugate verb.