We Are All Wonder Women!

New Years Resolution Update

A quick update on my New Year's resolutions.  I did my first of fifty-two of my #1 resolution today: 

Resolution #1. Call at least one friend every week this year to tell him/her how wonderful he/she is.

I chose (sort of at random) a girl with whom I went to high school.  I guess I should refer to her as a woman now, huh?  To me everyone I grew up with will always be a "guy" or "girl" not grown ups.  In any case, the girl I chose, we will call her "D", is one of many people with whom I lost touch after graduation in 1985 and have become reacquainted via Facebook.

D is married and has 3 kids and, from all I have observed on Facebook, she is devoted to her family and is loving and wonderful mom of kids who are seemingly polite, well dressed, popular, and are active in school.  I think that is a huge accomplishment in today's crazy world.  A few years ago I believe D had a bunch of serious health problems but it didn't dampen her spirit over the long run. Again, a big accomplishment.  Her Facebook posts are always happy, positive, and/or funny. She is certainly not one of those people who posts angry political or religious rants which is one thing I like about her.

Anyway, for reasons I can't really put a finger on I chose D as my very first "tell someone who wonderful she is" recipient.  I don't have her phone number so I couldn't call her and I don't have a mailing address so I couldn't send a card. Instead I just posted a few line on Facebook to say that she is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother.

D's response was so amazing. Turns out she had been having a bad day and my words cheered her up! And a bunch of our mutual friends chimed in to agree with my comments.  That made my day! It almost made me want to accelerate my plan and tell a few other friends how great they are. But I think I need to pace myself so I held back.

The key to this particular resolution is sincerity. These are my informal guidelines for myself:

1. I won't shower compliments on anyone whom I don't actually think is wonderful in some way. 
2. I won't overstep the boundaries of our relationship...in other words, I won't get too personal with someone I don't know well.  I know it's the Year of Inappropriate but this particular resolution will be as appropriate as I can make it. I don't want to be creepy after all.
3. I will focus my comments/compliments on things I have direct knowledge of based on my personal interactions with or observations of the person I am complimenting.

And that's it. 1/52 of my 2014 New Year's Resolutions successfully completed. 

Inappropriately Cold

The whole country is in a deep freeze and, as far as I can tell, most folks are staying home...some not by choice.  The colder it gets the more inappropriately I tend to dress.  I can't help it.  I just put on as many layers as I want to without regard for whether the clothes match. Part of the reason for this is that I live in Texas and don't really have a lot of cold weather clothing. 

My outfit today:

Long sleeved white T-shirt worn under an orange and blue Eskimo Joe's sweatshirt circa 1994

Tan leggings worn under pink and blue argyle flannel pajama bottoms

Bright purple fuzzy acrylic socks.

Lime green ponytail holder

Tiara (duh)

Big fancy costume jewelry ring with gold tone metal and tons of big green stones.

Earlier today I had to leave the house to pick up my husband at the auto shop....and I wore this very outfit out in public.  To be fair I knew I wouldn't get out of the car but it was still pretty inappropriate and I don't care. Anything to stay warm.

Oh, and when I drove I put on my pink suede fleece lined Ugg slip on shoes/slippers.

No, I will not post a photo of myself wearing this gorgeous outfit. Isn't it enough for you people that I posted a photo of myself wearing my Wonder Woman fleece onesie?  

New Year's Day

I am so tired today that I can't really come up with a good post. But I will tell you a brief inappropriate story from a New Years Eve party I attended last night.  There is one woman who is a friend of friends of mine and when she gets drunk she goes from "inappropriate" to "oh my god did she do that??" in 2 seconds flat.

Last night after several (a shitload) of cocktails she came up and just grabbed my boobs.  I told her to stop and she claimed that she had only grabbed one - so she grabbed the other one for good measure.  It was about 12:30 am and at that point I knew my grandmother was right when she said, "nothing good happens after midnight" and I went home with my husband immediately.  

Boob grabbing = bad inappropriate

Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions for 2014

1. Call at least one friend every week this year to tell him/her how wonderful he/she is.

2. Wear my tiara in public more often to show the world that "wearing your freak flag" can be fun and liberating.  Also tiaras are awesome.

3. Give every awesome woman in my life who doesn't already have one a tiara.

4. Carry a spare tiara or two around in my car and give them to random women who look sad or unhappy to spread the "tiara awesomeness" throughout Austin.  If I do this properly there will be a lot of women wearing tiaras around this town by the end of 2014 and hopefully all of those women will be smiling and holding their heads high.  (I will call this endeavor "Operation Tiara".

5. If I go to Walmart (which I seldom do) I will dress up and wear makeup so that I am just the opposite of the stereotypical Walmart shopper.

6. On our family vacation in 2014, a cruise to Alaska, I will do one adventurous thing with my cousin Carrie. And I will make every attempt to do whatever it is with courage. (My cousin is a freaking daredevil who delights in trying to get me to do scary things that don't scare her a bit.  Usually I refuse.)

7. I will not talk to the parents of newborn children how much sleep I get.  I have noticed that if you say things like "Man I slept 10 hours last night and I feel great!" they get upset. 

8. I will wear my Wonder Woman onsie to answer the front door when the bell rings as often as possible.  (Thank you to Stacy Jones for this genius idea)

9. Whenever I visit Starbucks I resolve to tell the barista that my name is Hanaiakamalama, the Hawaiian word for "foster child of the moon" and insist the barista spell and pronounce it correctly. (Special shout out to John McGinn for this one...fabulous idea!)

10. I will stand up and clap at the end of every movie I see and at the end of any delicious meal at any pretentious restaurant at which we eat in 2014. (I wish I would have pulled this stunt at Alinea in Chicago...I think the waiters would have spontaneously combusted.) (Shout out to Barrett Buss and Bill Levin for this one)

11. Make sure that I tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him every single day of 2014.

Stretch Goals for 2014:

A. Start jogging again.  Even if I only jog a couple of blocks at first. By the end of 2014 I would like to run a 10K.

B. Cut my alcohol, junk food, and Diet Coke consumption in half.  Generally lead a healthier life.

C. Style my hair every day.

D. Donate at least $3,000 to charity.

E. Sell enough resumes that I can buy Jonathan any new car he wants.

F. Read every page of the Affordable Care Act so that I can discuss it intelligently if necessary.

The Wonder Woman Photo At the Top of This Blog

Me + Wonder Woman onesie + tiara + sparkly sunglasses + a children's book + our dog Luke photo bombing

I have a friend named Meg whom I have known for about 25 years. We both attended University of Chicago, were post-college roommates and, at that time, frenemies.  In our 20's we didn't get along because of Meg's college boyfriend whom I never liked and who antagonized me at every chance he got. Don't worry...I held my own in the face of one of the biggest jackasses the world has ever known. After moving out of the shared apartment one year after college I lost touch with Meg.

Fast forward many years: Meg and I reconnected on Facebook through one of our other post-college roommates.  We slowly realized we have a lot in common including a shared dislike of her post-college boyfriend.  Shared experiences make a great foundation for long term friendships even if you weren't that close back in the "old days" so Meg and I have a lot of fun telling stories about funny things that happened when we were roommates.  Now, as 40-something adults, we have become close friends.

Meg lives in the U.K. and makes an annual trip back to the U.S. to see family and friends.  Last summer she made a weekend detour to Austin to visit me.  We had a blast.  Spa treatments, walking tour of Austin, and lots of laughs.  Oh, and cocktails too. Many cocktails.

Meg knows that I have been giving all of my dear friends tiaras because every woman deserves to feel like a princess.  I wear my tiara all the time and when I am having a bad day it makes me feel just a little bit better to see the shiny jewels adorning my head.  Meg has a different item that she gives to the women in her life whom she thinks of as "wonder women".  And that leads us directly to the photo you see at the top of this  blog....

For Christmas this year Meg sent me and my husband and awesome box of gifts.  The best were the preserves she had made from things she grew in her garden.  She also infused a bottle of vodka with blackberries that grow in her yard and included a bottle with the package.  And a hilarious children's Christmas book called "Aliens Love Panta Claus" (subject for another post).  But the icing on the cake was the flannel Wonder Woman onesie she sent to me.

What is the best/most inappropriate way to thank a dear friend for a thoughtful gift?  A satirical photo shoot of course.  So my awesome husband took the photos while I posed in my new onesie wearing a tiara and pretending to drink the blackberry infused vodka straight from the bottle.   Of course I posted it on Facebook for Meg's viewing pleasure. She loved it. And I love it. And my friends laughed (which is what Facebook is for).  All in all it was a big fat inappropriate win!  

Best of all Meg is planning on getting more Wonder Woman onesies for her other dear friends to spread the word that all women need to feel like Wonder Woman sometimes....even if it's at home in your PJs. I hope that all of Meg's friends wear their onesies as proudly as I do.

PS: My husband says I can't wear my Wonder Woman outfit in public. He feels that would cross the line between inappropriate and "crazy lady".  What a party pooper. :-)

Dear Oliver - Advice Column to Help You Define "Good" and "Bad" Inappropriate Behavior

This is Oliver, our Inappropriate Advice Columnist

Dear Oliver,

I was wondering if it is OK to wear my pajamas to the grocery store?

Sincerely,

Sleepy McHungry


Dear Sleepy,

That is a question that many inappropriate readers have asked in the past.  The answer revolves around what kind of pajamas you wear. 

Do you wear flannel pajamas with a shirt and full pants? If so, those are appropriate for a quick trip to Safeway.  If you wear negligee, sexy sleepwear, or leather S&M wear you should not go to the grocery store unless you put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt over your less-than-full-coverage sleepwear.  Also, if your S&M outfit includes handcuffs and ball gag please remove those and leave them at home...children won't understand.  Hope that helps!

Inappropriately yours,

Oliver