Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions for 2014

1. Call at least one friend every week this year to tell him/her how wonderful he/she is.

2. Wear my tiara in public more often to show the world that "wearing your freak flag" can be fun and liberating.  Also tiaras are awesome.

3. Give every awesome woman in my life who doesn't already have one a tiara.

4. Carry a spare tiara or two around in my car and give them to random women who look sad or unhappy to spread the "tiara awesomeness" throughout Austin.  If I do this properly there will be a lot of women wearing tiaras around this town by the end of 2014 and hopefully all of those women will be smiling and holding their heads high.  (I will call this endeavor "Operation Tiara".

5. If I go to Walmart (which I seldom do) I will dress up and wear makeup so that I am just the opposite of the stereotypical Walmart shopper.

6. On our family vacation in 2014, a cruise to Alaska, I will do one adventurous thing with my cousin Carrie. And I will make every attempt to do whatever it is with courage. (My cousin is a freaking daredevil who delights in trying to get me to do scary things that don't scare her a bit.  Usually I refuse.)

7. I will not talk to the parents of newborn children how much sleep I get.  I have noticed that if you say things like "Man I slept 10 hours last night and I feel great!" they get upset. 

8. I will wear my Wonder Woman onsie to answer the front door when the bell rings as often as possible.  (Thank you to Stacy Jones for this genius idea)

9. Whenever I visit Starbucks I resolve to tell the barista that my name is Hanaiakamalama, the Hawaiian word for "foster child of the moon" and insist the barista spell and pronounce it correctly. (Special shout out to John McGinn for this one...fabulous idea!)

10. I will stand up and clap at the end of every movie I see and at the end of any delicious meal at any pretentious restaurant at which we eat in 2014. (I wish I would have pulled this stunt at Alinea in Chicago...I think the waiters would have spontaneously combusted.) (Shout out to Barrett Buss and Bill Levin for this one)

11. Make sure that I tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him every single day of 2014.

Stretch Goals for 2014:

A. Start jogging again.  Even if I only jog a couple of blocks at first. By the end of 2014 I would like to run a 10K.

B. Cut my alcohol, junk food, and Diet Coke consumption in half.  Generally lead a healthier life.

C. Style my hair every day.

D. Donate at least $3,000 to charity.

E. Sell enough resumes that I can buy Jonathan any new car he wants.

F. Read every page of the Affordable Care Act so that I can discuss it intelligently if necessary.

The Wonder Woman Photo At the Top of This Blog

Me + Wonder Woman onesie + tiara + sparkly sunglasses + a children's book + our dog Luke photo bombing

I have a friend named Meg whom I have known for about 25 years. We both attended University of Chicago, were post-college roommates and, at that time, frenemies.  In our 20's we didn't get along because of Meg's college boyfriend whom I never liked and who antagonized me at every chance he got. Don't worry...I held my own in the face of one of the biggest jackasses the world has ever known. After moving out of the shared apartment one year after college I lost touch with Meg.

Fast forward many years: Meg and I reconnected on Facebook through one of our other post-college roommates.  We slowly realized we have a lot in common including a shared dislike of her post-college boyfriend.  Shared experiences make a great foundation for long term friendships even if you weren't that close back in the "old days" so Meg and I have a lot of fun telling stories about funny things that happened when we were roommates.  Now, as 40-something adults, we have become close friends.

Meg lives in the U.K. and makes an annual trip back to the U.S. to see family and friends.  Last summer she made a weekend detour to Austin to visit me.  We had a blast.  Spa treatments, walking tour of Austin, and lots of laughs.  Oh, and cocktails too. Many cocktails.

Meg knows that I have been giving all of my dear friends tiaras because every woman deserves to feel like a princess.  I wear my tiara all the time and when I am having a bad day it makes me feel just a little bit better to see the shiny jewels adorning my head.  Meg has a different item that she gives to the women in her life whom she thinks of as "wonder women".  And that leads us directly to the photo you see at the top of this  blog....

For Christmas this year Meg sent me and my husband and awesome box of gifts.  The best were the preserves she had made from things she grew in her garden.  She also infused a bottle of vodka with blackberries that grow in her yard and included a bottle with the package.  And a hilarious children's Christmas book called "Aliens Love Panta Claus" (subject for another post).  But the icing on the cake was the flannel Wonder Woman onesie she sent to me.

What is the best/most inappropriate way to thank a dear friend for a thoughtful gift?  A satirical photo shoot of course.  So my awesome husband took the photos while I posed in my new onesie wearing a tiara and pretending to drink the blackberry infused vodka straight from the bottle.   Of course I posted it on Facebook for Meg's viewing pleasure. She loved it. And I love it. And my friends laughed (which is what Facebook is for).  All in all it was a big fat inappropriate win!  

Best of all Meg is planning on getting more Wonder Woman onesies for her other dear friends to spread the word that all women need to feel like Wonder Woman sometimes....even if it's at home in your PJs. I hope that all of Meg's friends wear their onesies as proudly as I do.

PS: My husband says I can't wear my Wonder Woman outfit in public. He feels that would cross the line between inappropriate and "crazy lady".  What a party pooper. :-)

Dear Oliver - Advice Column to Help You Define "Good" and "Bad" Inappropriate Behavior

This is Oliver, our Inappropriate Advice Columnist

Dear Oliver,

I was wondering if it is OK to wear my pajamas to the grocery store?

Sincerely,

Sleepy McHungry


Dear Sleepy,

That is a question that many inappropriate readers have asked in the past.  The answer revolves around what kind of pajamas you wear. 

Do you wear flannel pajamas with a shirt and full pants? If so, those are appropriate for a quick trip to Safeway.  If you wear negligee, sexy sleepwear, or leather S&M wear you should not go to the grocery store unless you put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt over your less-than-full-coverage sleepwear.  Also, if your S&M outfit includes handcuffs and ball gag please remove those and leave them at home...children won't understand.  Hope that helps!

Inappropriately yours,

Oliver

Defining Inappropriate

Adult + water wings + tiara + kiddie pool on a cruise ship = inappropriate. But good.

in•ap•pro•pri•ate (ˌɪn əˈproʊ pri ɪt) 

adj.

not appropriate; not proper or suitable: an inappropriate dress for the occasion.

[1795–1805]

in`ap•pro′pri•ate•ly, adv.

in`ap•pro′pri•ate•ness, n.

Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010 K Dictionaries Ltd. Copyright 2005, 1997, 1991 by Random House, Inc. All rights reserved

I declare 2014 to be The Year of Inappropriate.  Why, you ask? Because sometimes the things that we do, say, or think that are defined as inappropriate are what make us who we are. We are all inappropriate in some ways and at some times.  I have found that the things that make my closest friends inappropriate also make them the most endearing, honest, and fun.  So I thought to myself, let's celebrate inappropriate for a year.

People who never show their inappropriate side are usually boring and are certainly no fun at parties.

If you grew up in the South, as I did, behaving appropriately was a very important part of your upbringing. Who defines appropriate behavior? Well, it always seemed to me that the crankiest people defined "appropriate behavior" and were quick to judge anyone who didn't conform to their ideas.  Often the cranky people were also really big hypocrites.  The cranky ladies who said things like "that's not Christian behavior" were often the meanest gossips in town while sometimes the kindest people were the ones who were labeled "weird".

Inappropriate does NOT equal being mean, unkind, or cruel. The way I see "being inappropriate" is just doing what makes you happy without worrying so much about what other people think.  

Example of "good" inappropriate:

Wearing a tiara and/or boa whenever it makes you happy and in places where it wouldn't minimize a solemn occasion. (I, for one, would not wear my tiara or boa to Sunday school or to a funeral but I often wear my tiara to dinner.)

Examples of "bad" inappropriate:

Sharing bigoted comments or jokes in public.

Being deliberately unkind to people who demonstrate an obvious disability, have lots of tattoos/piercings, or are not dressed as nicely as you think they should be for the occasion.  

Sometimes being inappropriate can lead to very good things.  True story.  After I introduced my cousin Carrie to the joys of wearing a tiara she took her tiara to work one day (she owns her own company) and started letting one employee wear the tiara every day.  After one day the employees started a waiting list for the tiara that was two weeks long! Everyone wanted to wear the tiara for a day.

In 2014 I will post my own inappropriate behavior and if any of my friends want to contribute a story or photo to this highly inappropriate blog please let me know. I welcome contributions.

If you haven't played the game "Cards Against Humanity" yet I highly recommend that you gather your inappropriate friends and play.  It is the official game of The Year of Inappropriate.  http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/