Pranking Lana

Today is a slow day at the office so, naturally, the only thing to do to liven things up is to play pranks on my awesome assistant Lana.  One of the things Lana does for me is screen potential clients who contact me about my resume writing/coaching services.   There are 3 ways someone can contact us: phone, email, or via the contact form on our website.  We do get some weird emails/contact forms so I figured I would make things interesting for Lana today. And, of course, I got help from my friends who are just as demented as I am.

#1 

My name is Amy and I needs help with my resume. I been workin as a fluffer in the adult film indusry for 15 years and I am tired of lookin at balls all day. i want a career with a company where I can move up the corporate ladder and get some benefits. I used to work as a waitress and then I got this job as a fluffer and I got my associates degree in botany while workin this job. I want a job as a botanist. Can Ultime Resume help me?

Amy W. (I included my friend Amy's phone number. I hope Lana calls her)

Lana's email to me: 

"Liz, which of your weirdo friends sent me this? I almost peed myself laughing"

My response:

"I know nothing about this. You should call her"

Lana has not responded.

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#2  (My friend Matt is actually the co-owner of a flooring company)

Name: Matt N.
Phone: 512-XXX-XXXX
Email: m.neighbors@ymail.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:
    
I need a resume to apply for a CEO job at a flooring company. Can you call me and tell me about your services?

________________________________________________________________________________

#3 (My husband created this work of art)

Name: John "Doe" Smith

Phone: 512-BAD-ASS1 (223-2771)

Email: JohnDSmith@nowhere.com

Area of interest: Resume Services

Comments:

    

I cannot reveal my profession, where I have performed it, or with whom. I work for an "organization" that does "stuff" "somewhere" and sometimes does it "elsewhere". Let's just say that I am a Badass Motherf*cker™. I need to capture that on paper.... without actually capturing anything on paper. I'm thinking that lots of bolded italics along with a few aggressive redactions will suggest Badassedness without giving away any specifics. Perhaps printed on the kind of paper that delivers lots of paper cuts. You guys are the experts. Help me, or something nasty will happen to you. Not really, but yes.

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#4 (Me again - call this number!)

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 13:51
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.203.156.47]

Submitted values are:

Name: Jenna
Phone: 202-263-4869
Email: Jenna@queenbee.com
Area of interest: Interview Coaching
Comments:

I need help to get ready for some interviews for a beekeeping job that i really want. I went to beekeeping school and got my degree in december and now I really want to apply for a job at one of these places: Beekeeping Jobs I really  love bees and would be great at beekeeping but I am not so good at interviewing because I was born with only 1/2 of a tongue so I don't talk so good. Could really use help. I read your recommendations on LinkedIn and want your help.

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#5 Stephanie

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 14:00
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.82.82.171]

Submitted values are:

Name: Bunny Boatman
Phone: 512-335-8463
Email: bunnyboat@outlook.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:

Hi!

I'm Bunny!  Not a bunny - but my name is Bunny, Bunny Boatman.  If you want to get technical  - it's Bunny Barbra Boatman-Brown.  I don't use my married name, because there's a movie called Brown Bunny with a pretty substantial blowjob scene and I'm trying to steer clear of that image.

As you can imagine, having the name Bunny (thanks, mom) has been somewhat of an obstacle in my career.  People here the name Bunny and think - she must be a brain scientist, chemistry set tester or other.  I'm actually a part-time hand model, with aspirations to do foot, hair and ear modeling.  I do other work too, besides modeling.  I write, do finger paints and have a PhD. in Applied Nanophysics.  I work on teeny-tiny-itty-witty energy particles.  I'll probably discover the next, newest form of energy any day now.  I know that would probably be helpful to mankind, but hand modeling just pays so much money and these hands (feet, ears and hair) aren't going to stay wrinkle and liver-spot free forever.

Anyways - I'm thinking I'll probably need two resumes - one for modeling (more like a hand shot, with a CV on the back of all my work) and one for nanotechnology.  What do you think?  What is the best way to structure my

resume?

I really prefer email communication, the typing is good for my hand muscles (keeps the fingers toned).  I really look forward to hearing from you.

Sweet Peace Be With You,

BB

P.S.  - Just some general website feedback, I think you should be able to select multiple areas of interest.  I'm interested in Resume Services, but also Editorial Support and also Color Consulting - do you provide color consulting?  Anyways, I think you should be able to select more than one thing.  Sometimes people like more than one thing, like me - I like lots more than just one thing.

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#6 Mexican Porn Star

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 19:49
Submitted by anonymous user: [107.220.140.35]

Submitted values are:

Name: Raul "the Mexican meat" Penicheese
Phone: +1 678 459 34567989462 (don't has phone)
Email: Meximeat@tittypeepee.edu
Area of interest: Professional Consulting


Comments:

I live in Mexico but want move to unified state.  I has big penis.  I make the movie with the girls who I has my penis in.  Big star in mine country. Name is The Mexican Meat in phonographs movies.  I has theme song.  It call La cock-will-rock-ya but sound like la cucaracha but more nasty.  Bunny boatman give me your name when we make movie together.  Always talk about nana's technology.  Always say "not in hair".  Need help getting to unifiedstate.  Need help conjugate verb.

Facebook Inappropriate

I love Facebook. I guess you could call me a bit of a power user of Facebook. It's sort of my happy place; I go there to chat with friends who make me laugh.  It's taken years of trial and error to get to the point that I don't think I make too many faux pas on Facebook.  No one is perfect but I think I am able to reap the benefits of Facebook without some of the pain and aggravation that can be caused by having written conversations with people you don't see very often or don't know as well as you should in order to have certain types of discussions.

When I first started using Facebook I wrote very little. Then I probably wrote too much.  As I got re-acquainted with college and childhood friends with whom I had lost touch I made the HUGE mistake of arguing politics, social/economic issues, and religion on the site.  Several people "un friended" me which is always a little hurtful even if you weren't really friends in the first place but you thought you were because you connected in the friendly confines of a popular social media site.  I would like to think that the people who unfriended me probably wouldn't have done so if we had the exact same discussions/debates in person that we mistakenly had in writing because, in person, you can calibrate your comments based on body language and other cues that you just can't see on the internet.  C'est la vie.  We make mistakes. We learn from mistakes.

But that brings me to the point (if I ever really have one at all) of this post.  This is my list of inappropriate things that some people do but shouldn't do on Facebook.  This may apply to Twitter and other social media sites too but Facebook is the only one I use regularly.

Here are a few things that will trip you up, alienate some of your friends, and generally cause you aggravation on social media.  No good can come from doing these things:

1. Posting polarizing political rants. (unless you are only friends with folks who see things your way)

2. Posting polarizing religious rants.  (unless you are only friends with folks who see things your way)

3. Posting strong views on social/economic issues that we read about in the news.   

Commenting on news stories is OK but I have come to realize that I don't always know what is fully accurate information and what isn't because members of the media don't always research issues and/or don't post all sides of a story. And I am too lazy to do the research myself.  I have gotten myself in some hot water a few times with this one when I thought I was posting my common sense view point.  Big oops. 

4. Posting photos of the incision from your surgery. 

5. Posting photos of animals being abused (PETA and ASPCA have some awful videos).

6. Ranting about your employer.

7. Writing or posting photos that describe your awesome life if you have a lot of friends whose lives are not so awesome.  

I once had someone unfriend me because I complained on Facebook about the amount of time it took the valet to bring my car to me after a charity event.  The childhood friend who re-connected with me on FB after many years was upset because in her words, "she would pee her pants if the worst thing that happened to her in a day was that the valet was late with her car".  Lesson learned. I don't complain about my first world problems anymore unless I do it in jest.

8.  Posting your trip itinerary when you are traveling.  

Unless someone is staying in your home while you are gone you are begging thieves to rob you.

9. Writing about very private aspects of your kid's lives.  

Don't post your young daughter's bra size even if you think its cute.

10. Nude pictures of your young kids.  

Oh I know you think those bathtub photos of your baby are so cute or the photo of your kid dropping his pants at McDonald's is funny but that stuff can come back and bite you in the ass later on.  Keep it in your private family album.

11. Photos from your recent childbirth experience.

12. Ranting about how much you hated high school and some of the specific people you grew up with.

13. Divulging your family's dirty laundry.  Even the family members you hate and who aren't on FB.

14. Pictures of you and your friends getting obviously drunk or high.

15. Posting photos of the horrible injury you just sustained while you are waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

16. Leaving comments on someone else's post that are insulting or combative to the other people who have also commented on the thread.
I unfriended one of my siblings after he repeatedly started arguments with my friends on FB.  I let it go for a long time but finally he got so insulting and combative for no good reason at all that I had to cut him from my friend list. I got tired of apologizing to my friends.

I guess the good thing about having made some of the mistakes listed above is that I have pretty well culled out my friend list and now the people with whom I communicate regularly on FB know me and like me for who I am.  They know I would never knowingly be mean or unkind and that my political views, while maybe different from theirs, are not rooted in unkindness or intolerance.  So maybe making lots of inappropriate mistakes is a good thing?

How to Deliver a Presentation When You Feel Like Death

Me after being transformed by Ellie

Another transformation photo

A couple of months ago I was invited to present at a 2 day event here in Austin on January 25 - 26, 2014 hosted by an organization call Bossed Up.   Bossed Up was founded by Emilie Aries about a year ago and is based in Washington DC.  It's mission is to empower women to develop happy, healthy, and sustainable careers for life.  

I love Bossed Up's mission and I adore Emilie who is a 2009 graduate of Brown University; she is a fearless woman with a great idea and I got very excited about her vision for Bossed Up. Emilie's goal is to host 12 Bossed Up events in 12 cities in 2014. What's not to love?  I tell this part of the story because after accepting the invitation to speak there was NO WAY I was going to miss it.  Supporting a high performing female entrepreneur? Yes please. Empowering women? Absolutely.  Bottom line, I had to be there today, January 25, to present an hour on negotiation skills.

A few days ago I got sick.  I mean really sick.  Like coughing all night, sneezing through 2 boxes of Kleenex, losing my sense of taste, not eating, and literally lying in bed staring at the wall because that was all I felt like doing.  I never get that sick.  Could be cedar fever or the flu or a cold. My husband told me that if I wasn't better today that he was taking me to the Urgent Care Health Clinic whether I wanted to go or not.  (that means it was bad)

Yesterday I coughed so hard that I burst blood vessels around my right eye and, if you looked closely, it looked like I had a black eye.  That was the icing on the cake.  My lucky husband got to hang out with a sneezing, coughing wife, with an ice pack on her eye.  I looked so hot.  (uh, not really)  

No matter how sick I was I knew missing the presentation was not an option.  I figured that if I could just show up maybe someone could pitch in and help me present in an emergency.  I have hosted events before and when a speaker is a no-show it really messes things up.  If a speaker shows up and is sick people tend to forgive a bit simply because he/she made the effort to be there.  I would rather be there and be sick than not be there and feel guilty.  Plus I have never been so sick that I couldn't rally for an hour.  One time, years ago, I gave a fantastic speech at 8 am after staying out until 5 am. (I worked for a crazy work hard/play hard company.  I don't remember the speech but I was told that it was great.)

Because I knew that the event was being videotaped I decided to hire a professional hair and makeup artist to make me look my best.  If you have never had your hair and makeup professionally done then all I can say is you have no idea how great you can look.  Seriously.  I had hired Ellie Vixie (greatest makeup artist of all time) before I got sick so she was already scheduled and thank goodness.

So Ellie showed up this morning and worked magic.  I mean actual magic.  I don't know if there was human sacrifice involved or if it was good magic but I didn't care. I was transformed from a beast to a beauty.  Several friends had asked to see "before" and "after" photos so enjoy.  There is a reason I put the "after" photos at the top of the blog and not the "before". I recommend that you not allow your children to view the "before" photos because they might be emotionally scarred or start using drugs. Also adults should have at least 2 drinks before viewing.  You have been warned.

PS: Can I just say I have the best husband ever? He literally drove me down to my presentation and sat through it and drove me home because he knew I still am not feeling well today and he wanted to be supportive.  I am one lucky (yet inappropriate) lady.

No I am not stoned. But I did get my thumb in this selfie. 

Is this a mug shot or did I just wash my hair? You decide.

Peanut Butter

Today my brother, who is, like me, always on the alert for weird inappropriate behavior sent me a text that really needs no further explanation.   Inappropriateness happens everywhere.

This Game is Getting Annoying

Flynn hunting the laser light while Kodiak attempts to sleep

Last week I wrote about how my dog Flynn is obsessed with a laser toy that is intended for cats, the FroliCat.   Flynn's addiction seems to be getting worse and it's also starting to get a little bit annoying. 

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When we first set the toy up for him we put it on a table in our front living room which has hardwood floors.  After endless playing it was clear that if things kept going the way they were headed he was going to destroy the floor and the walls with his toenails.  So we moved the toy into our family room which is much smaller but has carpet.  

We have been putting the toy on the coffee table and he runs around the carpet chasing it which makes him very happy.  However a couple of problems have emerged:

1. Our old, sick, and frail dog Kodiak spends most of the day lying in the family room.  The laser sometimes hits him which doesn't bother him but it means that Flynn jumps over him constantly. When Kodiak is awake he barks at Flynn and his laser and tries to move away but he really can't go very far. At least Flynn has the good sense not to jump directly on Kodiak to "get" the laser.

2. Flynn has figured out all of our hiding places for the toy so when we put it in a cabinet he will sit outside the cabinet and whine incessantly.  Even if we distract him with a walk or some other activity he comes right back to the hiding place.

3. Flynn comes to find me anytime the toy's automatic timer shuts it off so I can turn it back on for him. He is very insistent that I come RIGHT NOW to turn it back on.  Doesn't matter if I am eating, in the bath, or otherwise indisposed he wants it on RIGHT NOW.

4. Sometimes the laser's radius extends to a place Flynn can't see. When that is the case he comes to find me to fix it for him. Again, he is very insistent that this be done RIGHT NOW.

Part of me loves the fact that the laser toy keeps him occupied (and not barking at anything) but the fact that we can no longer effectively hide it from him or distract him from the toy is becoming an irritant.  Not really sure what to do. I feel like the parent of an actual child who has become addicted to iPad games...well I assume this is what a parent would feel like.  Annoyance mixed with some guilt and some shame that he is being kept occupied and out of trouble so I can do what I want.  If only he could push the button to turn it on by himself....

Tiaras for Everyone!!!

Carrie and Me - Royal Caribbean 2013

Last summer Jonathan and I went on a cruise with my cousin Carrie and her family.  Carrie and I have always been pretty close as we are a year apart in age but over the past year we have become much closer for a variety of reasons.  Taking the cruise together brought us even closer and I would say she is one of my dearest friends in addition to being my relative.  

Carrie and I are very similar in some really fundamental ways: our values and our devotion to family. But we have one HUGE difference: Carrie is fearless while I have many fears (mostly for my personal safety).  For example, when we went to Disney World she wanted to ride every single roller coaster and scary ride in the park.  By the time we were done she was laughing and exhilarated while I was stumbling (those roller coasters mess up my inner ear) for the bar.

On the cruise I went and hid in the library to avoid zip lining (terrifying to me, a walk in the park to Carrie).  Can I just say that, to me, zip lining is just getting a giant wedgie while 200 feet in the air. I don't see the appeal. Carrie told me that I should burn all my books (I brought 5 on the cruise) and do more activities.  You get the picture.

But for all her fearlessness when it comes to physical activity it took Carrie awhile to get on board the Tiara bandwagon.  I gave Carrie a tiara and we both brought our tiaras on the cruise.  I wore mine to dinner every night and at first Carrie was kind of embarrassed for me.  One night I overheard her say, "Oh she is my cousin she just wears tiaras sometimes"....so I turned around to the woman she was addressing and corrected her, "No, I wear my tiara because I am an Empress".  I'd like to tell you that the woman bowed to me but she didn't.  But I didn't care...I love wearing my tiara and if others find that odd, well, too bad.

By the time the cruise was over Carrie wore her tiara with pride every day.  When people saw us they would say, "Oh there are the tiara twins!" and the waitstaff called us "The Empresses" and some would even bow to us.  I love that everyone on the cruise got in on the fun.

Now Carrie and her whole family each have their own tiaras and they agreed to let me post photos of the whole family wearing their tiaras.  I love it!!!  

Oh as a side note let me add that we are taking another cruise next year and Carrie talked me into going snorkeling with her.  In Alaska. In 60 degree water.  I am trying to figure a way to weasel out of that because I am afraid I will die of hypothermia.  The problem is that if I talk my way out of the snorkeling she will come up with some other terrifying excursion to take its place....something like hunting polar bears across a glacier or riding a dog sled.  Stay tuned for more on that late this year...

Carrie, Brady, Cade and Ryan with their two Yorkies, also wearing tiaras.

The Puppy and the Cat Toy: A Tale of Mayhem, Madness, and Addiction

FroliCat Pet Toy (warning: highly addictive for some pets)

A few years ago I bought the FroliCat BOLT Interactive Laser Pet Toy, that I can only describe as "the coolest toy ever" as a way to entertain our cat.  The cat enjoyed it for a few days and then, in typical cat fashion, lost interest.  The toy (pictured above) is a battery operated laser pointer that is placed on table and randomly moves the laser all around...from floor to the wall.

Fast forward a few years when I replaced the dead batteries in the long-ignored toy to see if our cat would get interested in playing again.  The cat has gotten pretty fat so I was thinking it could be good exercise for him.  Of course, there is a reason he is fat, and it's because he has no interest in physical activity.  However, when I placed the toy on a table and turned it on a very unexpected thing happened....our year and a half old puppy, Flynn, started chasing the laser light around.  

Flynn 

At first it was pretty funny to watch.  OK, let me be honest, it's still freaking hilarious to watch him run around and chase the light.  He throws himself into this game with reckless abandon.  He runs into walls, tries to climb the walls, slips and slides on the floor, and, when the timer stops the toy, he puts his paws on the table and tries to push it to turn it back on.  So it's continuous entertainment for us.

But we are starting to feel bad about this game because watching  Flynn's obsession with this toy is like watching an addict dig in the garbage for partially filled booze bottles.  He will literally play this game until he seems to be on the verge of collapse.  We have started hiding the toy in cabinets because he knows what it looks like and if he can see it he will just start running around in circles looking for the light.  I've seen him play this game for more than an hour at a time.  Usually when he seems to be getting really exhausted we take the toy and hide it from him just so he will get some rest.

Earlier today we let him play with toy and, as I write this, he is lying on the floor next to the table where the toy is sitting.  Poor thing is just waiting for someone to come turn it back on.  

For your consideration and amusement, see our video of Flynn playing with the laser today: