Inappropriate Easter

Hello there, my fellow enthusiasts of all things inappropriate.  My husband has been giving me a hard time about not updating my blog so I decided that I had better get in gear and write some inappropriate stuff.  Since I haven’t posted in awhile I have been saving up inappropriate things for this blog. 

But before we get into inappropriate stuff let me explain why I haven’t posted in awhile.  One word: laziness.  Blogger is owned by Google and, in addition to my Blogger account, I use Google’s gmail for my work email. I also have a personal gmail account that has the same login information as my Blogger login.  I keep my work email open all the time on my computer but when I log into Blogger to update the blog, for some reason, Google automatically logs me out of my work email and into my personal email, which I never use because I have that forwarded to my work email.  So then after I am done writing in the blog I have to re-login to my work email.  Look, it’s all very complicated but, long story short, it’s Google’s fault I haven’t updated the blog in awhile. 

So lets got on to our inappropriateness. I think today we will highlight some inappropriate photos.

My friend Susan and her husband have been on a road trip that started at their home in Oklahoma and ended in Idaho where they dropped their daughter off at college.  They are now on the way back home.  One thing I love about Susan is that she has a real knack for identifying and photographing inappropriate things.  And, let me tell you, there is a whole lot of inappropriate at truck stops and gas stations in the middle of the US.

Here are a few of the photos Susan took for me:

This is beyond creepy.

What is this thing?

Why??

The best part is that she took this photo and I fell in love with this, “so unbelievably ugly that its cute” cat creature.  So Susan bought it for me.  I can’t wait for  it to arrive in my home so I can name it and put it on my desk which is where it will live. 

Someone actually spent time designing this thing. And I love it.

This is the back of the ugly cat above.  It's like a mullet: business in the front and a party in the back.

My husband found these “Seriously? Are people actually buying these things?” underpants online. He is threatening to buy a pair. I have begged him not to but I don’t know what he is capable of.  It’s tearing at the very fabric of our otherwise peaceful and bear-free home. To be continued…

Just to prove this monstrosity isn't photoshopped here is the link to Firebox.

And finally, since it’s Easter Sunday, I present to you my inappropriate and weird Easter music video. You’re welcome.

Inappropriate Valentine's Day Cards

Terrifying photo of child peeing in his own yard.

Mac will be in therapy as soon as he finds out his mom has been taking photos of his plumber butt.

This T-shirt Says It All

Operation Tiara

My high school friend S.R. wearing her new tiara!

Operation Tiara is an offshoot of my 2014 New Years Resolution to tell one friend per week how much they mean to me and how wonderful they are.  Operation Tiara is about giving tiaras to remarkable women who deserve to feel like Princesses every single day.

Where did this idea originate you ask?  My friend Amy W. has a gorgeous daughter, Alex, who wears tiaras every day.  Her tiaras are fairly low key and are more like rhinestone headbands but they are tiaras nonetheless.  I noticed that Alex is such a proud and confident girl and she doesn't care if she is the only one in the room wearing a tiara.  And that got me to thinking about the power of the tiara...

My best friend Stephanie bought me my first tiara and it was magical.  I wore it for days in and out of the house.  If you are reading this and you are thinking to yourself, "Wearing a tiara is magical? Liz is crazy." all I say say to you is that you have never put on a tiara and smiled at yourself in the mirror.  Do it and see how you feel.

When I wear a tiara I hold my head a little higher, sit up straighter, and make sure my hair looks terrific (everyone knows that good hair days are always the start of great days).  I feel confident and regal.  I have a really big tiara that I keep in my office and I wear it when I need inspiration or confidence when dealing with my clients.  

I wore a tiara on a week-long cruise last year (see earlier post) and you wouldn't believe how many women said they wanted a tiara too!

I have given almost all of my closest girlfriends who live in town tiaras and this year I will make sure all of my friends from near and far get one.  One thing that has been so fun is to reconnect with childhood friends on Facebook and, now that I have, I have found so many "new" girlfriends for whom I have a have a whole new appreciation now that we are adults. It will take awhile to get them all sent out but I have this year to do it.  So far it's been a smashing success.

Just this week I gave tiaras to 3 friends! 

One tiara and "Princess" designation went to a high school classmate of mine (S.R.) with whom I lost touch and reconnected on Facebook.  Turns out that she is really funny we have a good time posting comments on each other's pages.  She is a teacher, a mom, and she has taken such great care of herself that she literally looks exactly the same as she did in high school and she was gorgeous then.  Not that physical beauty is a necessary attribute of a Princess, but you have to admire someone who successfully fights off the hands of time. One thing that convinced me that she needs a tiara is the beautiful relationship she has with her husband. They are so cute together and I love seeing true love in action.  They are considerate, loving, and waited many years to find each other...don't you love a love story?

Another high school friend (D.L.C.) of mine is going through a tough time this year but she has handled it with more grace, strength, and dignity than anyone would believe possible. What she has gone through rivals virtually any story you ever heard from a guest on the Oprah show and is more like a Lifetime TV movie.  Lesser women would have turned to drugs or would be on the Jerry Springer show. But not this lady.  She has faith in God and has a lionesses protective instincts when it comes to her children - because of her determination, her kids will emerge from this tough period in their lives with minimal damage.  Her life has been beyond hard in the past year but the other day she was so grateful that she was able to help someone who had been in a car accident!  If she isn't a Princess I don't know who is.

The third recipient of Operation Tiara this week is an amazing woman (K.J.) who is suffering from muscular dystrophy.  For many years she has been a passionate advocate for animals and has personally rescued and fostered countless animals.  Our dog Kodiak was in her loving care before we adopted him.  And she doesn't just rescue the cute and sweet ones...she takes in some dogs who aren't as easy to love and finds them homes.  She is the patron saint of animals.  Her health has not been so great lately (she has been in the hospital a lot this year) and last week she lost her beloved pet cat.  She is having a pretty crappy year so the time seemed right to crown her Princess too.  She sent me a note that she "really needed that tiara" and that made my day.

The tiara I sent to D.L.C.

When D.L.C. received her tiara she texted me that she had "a huge smile on her face and was never taking it off!!!"  That made my whole day!

I have started making a list of friends who need tiaras and figuring out when to send them. I don't want to send them all at once or my fun will be over way too soon so I will try to space out the giving over the course of this year.   I hope this turns into a movement and that more women give tiaras to their friends....of course if that happens I will buy stock in a tiara manufacturer. Or maybe start my own venture.

I am having so much fun crowning new Princesses and telling my friends that I love them that I don't know what I will do next year to top this fun.  Is there anything better than making someone smile?

How Many Inappropriate Things Can You Find in This Photo?

A day in the life at Matt's house.

I have a friend named Matt who seems pretty normal when you talk to him or share comments with him on Facebook.  But the great thing about Matt is that he is one of those people who, when you ask enough questions, you discover a huge amount of inappropriate/funny stuff that goes on in his life. 

Beyond that I let you draw your own conclusions about this photo which is real and was taken at Matt's house. Look carefully and see how many odd, inappropriate, or downright funny things you can find in this photo.  

You're welcome.

Sometimes You Just Want to Wear Your Tiara Even Though You Aren't Dressed Appropriately.

And it's all good.  Wearing a tiara at work even when my hair is wet and wrapped in a towel makes me happy.

Pranking Lana

Today is a slow day at the office so, naturally, the only thing to do to liven things up is to play pranks on my awesome assistant Lana.  One of the things Lana does for me is screen potential clients who contact me about my resume writing/coaching services.   There are 3 ways someone can contact us: phone, email, or via the contact form on our website.  We do get some weird emails/contact forms so I figured I would make things interesting for Lana today. And, of course, I got help from my friends who are just as demented as I am.

#1 

My name is Amy and I needs help with my resume. I been workin as a fluffer in the adult film indusry for 15 years and I am tired of lookin at balls all day. i want a career with a company where I can move up the corporate ladder and get some benefits. I used to work as a waitress and then I got this job as a fluffer and I got my associates degree in botany while workin this job. I want a job as a botanist. Can Ultime Resume help me?

Amy W. (I included my friend Amy's phone number. I hope Lana calls her)

Lana's email to me: 

"Liz, which of your weirdo friends sent me this? I almost peed myself laughing"

My response:

"I know nothing about this. You should call her"

Lana has not responded.

_________________________________________________________________

#2  (My friend Matt is actually the co-owner of a flooring company)

Name: Matt N.
Phone: 512-XXX-XXXX
Email: m.neighbors@ymail.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:
    
I need a resume to apply for a CEO job at a flooring company. Can you call me and tell me about your services?

________________________________________________________________________________

#3 (My husband created this work of art)

Name: John "Doe" Smith

Phone: 512-BAD-ASS1 (223-2771)

Email: JohnDSmith@nowhere.com

Area of interest: Resume Services

Comments:

    

I cannot reveal my profession, where I have performed it, or with whom. I work for an "organization" that does "stuff" "somewhere" and sometimes does it "elsewhere". Let's just say that I am a Badass Motherf*cker™. I need to capture that on paper.... without actually capturing anything on paper. I'm thinking that lots of bolded italics along with a few aggressive redactions will suggest Badassedness without giving away any specifics. Perhaps printed on the kind of paper that delivers lots of paper cuts. You guys are the experts. Help me, or something nasty will happen to you. Not really, but yes.

_______________________________________________________________________________

#4 (Me again - call this number!)

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 13:51
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.203.156.47]

Submitted values are:

Name: Jenna
Phone: 202-263-4869
Email: Jenna@queenbee.com
Area of interest: Interview Coaching
Comments:

I need help to get ready for some interviews for a beekeeping job that i really want. I went to beekeeping school and got my degree in december and now I really want to apply for a job at one of these places: Beekeeping Jobs I really  love bees and would be great at beekeeping but I am not so good at interviewing because I was born with only 1/2 of a tongue so I don't talk so good. Could really use help. I read your recommendations on LinkedIn and want your help.

_________________________________________________________________

#5 Stephanie

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 14:00
Submitted by anonymous user: [108.82.82.171]

Submitted values are:

Name: Bunny Boatman
Phone: 512-335-8463
Email: bunnyboat@outlook.com
Area of interest: Resume Services
Comments:

Hi!

I'm Bunny!  Not a bunny - but my name is Bunny, Bunny Boatman.  If you want to get technical  - it's Bunny Barbra Boatman-Brown.  I don't use my married name, because there's a movie called Brown Bunny with a pretty substantial blowjob scene and I'm trying to steer clear of that image.

As you can imagine, having the name Bunny (thanks, mom) has been somewhat of an obstacle in my career.  People here the name Bunny and think - she must be a brain scientist, chemistry set tester or other.  I'm actually a part-time hand model, with aspirations to do foot, hair and ear modeling.  I do other work too, besides modeling.  I write, do finger paints and have a PhD. in Applied Nanophysics.  I work on teeny-tiny-itty-witty energy particles.  I'll probably discover the next, newest form of energy any day now.  I know that would probably be helpful to mankind, but hand modeling just pays so much money and these hands (feet, ears and hair) aren't going to stay wrinkle and liver-spot free forever.

Anyways - I'm thinking I'll probably need two resumes - one for modeling (more like a hand shot, with a CV on the back of all my work) and one for nanotechnology.  What do you think?  What is the best way to structure my

resume?

I really prefer email communication, the typing is good for my hand muscles (keeps the fingers toned).  I really look forward to hearing from you.

Sweet Peace Be With You,

BB

P.S.  - Just some general website feedback, I think you should be able to select multiple areas of interest.  I'm interested in Resume Services, but also Editorial Support and also Color Consulting - do you provide color consulting?  Anyways, I think you should be able to select more than one thing.  Sometimes people like more than one thing, like me - I like lots more than just one thing.

_________________________________________________________________

#6 Mexican Porn Star

Submitted on Tuesday, February 4, 2014 - 19:49
Submitted by anonymous user: [107.220.140.35]

Submitted values are:

Name: Raul "the Mexican meat" Penicheese
Phone: +1 678 459 34567989462 (don't has phone)
Email: Meximeat@tittypeepee.edu
Area of interest: Professional Consulting


Comments:

I live in Mexico but want move to unified state.  I has big penis.  I make the movie with the girls who I has my penis in.  Big star in mine country. Name is The Mexican Meat in phonographs movies.  I has theme song.  It call La cock-will-rock-ya but sound like la cucaracha but more nasty.  Bunny boatman give me your name when we make movie together.  Always talk about nana's technology.  Always say "not in hair".  Need help getting to unifiedstate.  Need help conjugate verb.